i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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