cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize