I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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