i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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