Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
