Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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