Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
