she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
