your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
