I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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