You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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