Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
