I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
