Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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