i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
