He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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