I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
