smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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