Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
