Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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