I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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