Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
ok first of all what the fuck
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
