If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize