I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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