Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
