Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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