I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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