i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
