Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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