look no pants
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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