note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
