You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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