I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
