She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
