Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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