i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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