before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
