Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
