Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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