We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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