I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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