HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Im part way to drunk.
A+ Viking dick
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
