apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
