4 words: hood of his car
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
