I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
