and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
