Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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