If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
