I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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