remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
