If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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