i was born a porn star she said
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
