You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize