he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
