Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize