Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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