Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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