Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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